Being grateful

This year was very different than any other year in our life. (Our= hubby and me)
We've had some really difficult experiences to overcome that were previously very foreign to us. I think because of these things, gratitude has become even more important to me than before.

My molar pregnancy probably being the biggest adjustment we've faced. It was the first time I ever really needed to come to terms with my mortality. Cancer was a potential threat in my life for a few months. Nothing to wake you up like that. After trying for years my first pregnancy not only ended in a miscarriage scenario, but a very rare and complicated one. I've been struggling to come to terms with the possibility that I'll have another molar pregnancy, that I won't be able to have children, that if I do I may have more complications or may only be able to have one...etc.
I've learned that I actually have very little, bordering on no control over this part of my life. These are hard realities to realize and accept. I'm working through it, but I'm unsure whether I've made my peace with my reality yet.

We've also had a few deaths in our more immediate families in recent months.
Most people have experiences with loss, but this was also fairly foreign to both hubby and me. We both lost people very close to us (within a month of each other) this year.
It seemed just as things were looking up, meaning my regular hospital visits were winding down and I was nearly through with all the molar pregnancy backlash, tragedy reared its ugly head and starting taking our loved ones away. It has been much harder than I could have appreciated or understood previously.

I'm becoming proficient at dealing with loss. :)
I guess that was a lesson I needed to learn in life. Our experiences good or bad are what shape us. They're what teach us, and help us to grow in ways we may not even realize we need to.
Oh but that doesn't make it easy. No no.

2012 has left a hole in my heart.

I'm hopeful for the future though. :) I know there are good things ahead, even if I have no idea what is coming and have much less say in the matter than I thought I did. Life is for living, loving and learning.  (and laughing... yes lots of that!) And I feel like the best part of 2012 has been the learning. For all that I've learned, for the ways I've grown and been strengthened, I am very grateful.